Personal | Quiet mind.

I’m going to preface this post by saying that I’ve always loved to write.  Even as a kid, I kept a journal that was bursting at the seams.  I wrote poems.  Trust me, nothing worth sharing.  I was the girl who would geek out in Lit 101 in High School and all my electives in college were usually writing based.  I have no idea how I ended up with a degree in Psychology instead of journalism or something along those lines.  So when I entered the blogging world, it felt natural to write… And write some more.

I’ve been pretty open about my experience over the past 12 weeks on my personal Facebook page.  sometimes I just sit down to put out one thought, and the floodgates open … exposing the deepest part of me.  Sometimes it’s a sad feeling that drives me to post, sometimes anger and sometimes pure joy. But either way, it’s helpful to me to just get it out. Every time I post, I get a handful of private messages thanking me for sharing my raw emotions. And that it in some small way helped that person cope with something that they’re struggling with or that it’s changed them deep down inside.

So I thought it would be a good idea to start sharing them here as well. Of course I’m a little self conscious because most of these pictures are fuzzy little iPhone pics.  But here they are.  And I’m posting them sort of randomly, but my hope is that in some small way it helps you too.

xoxo, Mishelle

January 4, 2015

I’ve been quiet lately. My mind is finally starting to settle down from the past 10 weeks of shock, uncertainty, sadness piled right on top of birthdays and major holidays. I have to be honest … it was rough. The emptiness that I feel without having Jeff by my side is consuming. I try every day to fill that emptiness with the sweet reminder of how much we loved him, and the many amazing memories we had as a family of four. Nothing can ever take those away, as they’re permanently engrained on our heart.

But as I head into a brand new year, I find myself ready to come out of this fog of love & loss. I’ve given myself permission to cuddle up under a blanket and bury my nose in a good book for the past 3 months.

But I’ve emerged a different person – whether I wanted to be or not. I feel distance between who I was and who I’ve become … and I’m determined to embrace it. I’m still who I always was, a confident woman, a silly & loving mama, ambitious business owner, and humbled to call some of this industry’s amazing creatives some of my dearest friends. They call me ’round the clock.  Sometimes to meet for coffee, send me a text that they know will make me giggle, offer to watch my kids or even just plop down on my couch on a Saturday night for the simple joy of company. 

2015 is going to be (yet another) year of big changes for our family. And some of them are filled with fear and doubt. Will I be able to finish our Dexter House without Jeff’s guidance? Can I really move my kids to an entirely new community all by myself? Will I be able to sell our home in Taylor without going bankrupt? Will I be able to continue to work at the same vigorous pace and fill my own heart with a career I adore? All of these answers are coming to me slowly. And now that I’ve been able to manage some of my grief and sudden changes I’m hearing these answers coming into my heart… And all it’s incredibly exciting!

I know that I have to take things one big decision at a time. And that there will be a day that I will sit back in amazement that I was able to follow through on our dreams. I’m excited for that day to come … I know that this journey is my own. And that I have to accept it for what it is. To love it, to own it, to embrace it and make it my own. I’m learning to love the me that I am now. I have so many decisions to make.  But the most important one is to either be taken down by this thing or rise above it.

Sometimes as I’m driving in my car or after I’ve put the kids to bed after a busy day, I’m left alone with all of life’s possibilities. Then I get excited, and go to call Jeff or want to run downstairs and tell him about a big idea I’ve had. But then I realize he’s not there. Yes, that’s real. Happens to me all the time.

I’m often reminded that he is still a BIG part of who I am. After all, I’ve loved him since I was 19 years old! He stood by my side while I navigated my career, became a mom, and shared so many turning points with me. And just remembering that he would have all the confidence in the world in me to push on, move forward and climb the mountains in front of me. I recently found a letter that he wrote to me when I was gathering the courage to ask for a big promotion. His words were so kind, so real and I felt so lucky to have him pushing me forward. Just like he is today.I feel closer to him than I ever have. I feel closer to God, the ultimate Creator and my true self than I ever thought possible. That’s an entirely different post that I can’t wait to share when the time is right.

So on that note, hello 2015 … this girl is ready for you!