I came across this quote today and something about it really resonated with where I am in the healing process. I’ve been in a downward tailspin over the last few days, I can feel grief inching up close to my mind and my heart and as hard as I try to push it way, it wins. Again. And so I take to writing because it always makes me feel better.
Bear with me.
It’s weird that bastard grief, because I know that once I take a deep breath and give into it, I come out on the other side feeling renewed and ready to move forward again. But I’m here right now and it’s been a long while for me which I’m thankful for. I’m right here in the thick of it with sadness wrapping it’s gnarly arms around me and not letting go. I cry so hard I can’t catch my breath. Nothing works to make me feel better to ease the pain to help me breathe. Nothing. Not a hug or a call or prayers or a book or even the handsome boy next to me who hands me a tissue so that I don’t drown in a pool of my own snot & tears. I stop for a few hours to go about my day … open my eyes … get the kids off to school … check a few e-mails … but I find myself right back again. Tears flowing. And realization all the questions that I always had are still floating around in my head.
How am I going to do this?
Am I enough for them?
Them … Jillian & Nash. When they look up at me with their big brown eyes – like Nash did last night – and ask what happened to Daddy exactly and did it hurt and was he scared and will he ever come back down from Heaven … it knocks the wind out of me. I put on a strong mommy face and give them loving words and explain it to them as best as I know how. I question my every move. I tuck them in and cover them with kisses and send myself to bed ready for the full-on breakdown that is waiting for me.
Although I’m not yet feeling renewed, a little clarity came after the wave & the storm and I realize that we are still broken. We are, they are, I am.
Still broken.
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