Dear, Grace.

I can’t apologize for my story.  I won’t apologize.  My blog lately has become a fine balance between my work and my heart and if you’ve been following me here for the past few years, you would understand why.  Not sure what I mean?  Go here.  And here … and here.  Writing reaches deep inside me, and becomes a vessel for me to let it all out.

Thanks for letting do that in between the happiest of moments, beautiful weddings, killer seniors and drool worthy details.

Dear Grace,

come close. No … closer.

I need you now more than I have in awhile. I felt you close when I said my last goodbye to one of the great loves of this life. I felt you when I turned away from him for the last time. And when I looked out into the room that day and saw all the sad faces of the people who loved him.  I felt you close as I told my babies their daddy was never coming home to hug them, tickle them, tuck them in. I felt you then. It was one of the most real feelings I’ve ever felt. I felt a shift in the air that day and many others days to follow. And I most certainly a shift in my heart. You came close and filled me with a strength that I never thought existed within me.  I sometimes don’t know where you, Grace came from on those darkest, darkest days. But you were there for me when I needed you. Then you slowly tiptoed silently off into the shadows as I learned how to stand on my own two feet again. As I managed all of the enormous changes in my life and for my little family. I could still feel you, and knew I could call on you at any second should I need you. And I did. Time, and time again. As we moved into a new home leaving our memories behind, as I fell in love again with an amazing man and allowed my children to do the same. You were there.

I need you again, Grace. Close. Closer to me now. As I help dear friends navigate the dark & stormy waters of their own loss. A time when they may feel hopeless, exhausted and scared. Please come close to me so I can get close to them. This brings me full circle and in the throes on my own loss, and I know it won’t be easy. My wounds are still fresh. There are many details of those first few hours, days and weeks that I haven’t the thought about in awhile. It all comes rushing back now.

Grace, I need you more than ever.

Please, come close.

Thank you.