Personal | Little Things.

Those first few days after Jeff died were some of the most amazing days of my life. Yeah, I know that sounds a little bit crazy.  But they were.  Even though I was experiencing some of my darkest days, moments that rocked me to my core and filled me with fear of life without his love, I was walking through life differently than I ever had. As much as you’d expect for me to be curled up under the covers or lying on the floor in a big snotty mess … I wasn’t.  I was stronger than ever.  And looking back on it now, I’m pretty sure that I was as clear as I’d ever been in my entire life up to that point.  I was acting almost on instinct as I nurtured Jillian & Nash, made some of the hardest decisions a person ever has to make, and said my last goodbyes to his physical being.  Even friends that were close to me in those first few days said they had never seen me like that. It was if I was acting on my true self and being guided by a presence much bigger than me.  Letting everyone know how I was doing took me a few days, but eventually it came.

October 25

Good morning. Writing for me has always been a release and source of healing. I think I write as much as Jeff loved to ramble on (haha). But I wanted to post a quick update for all on where we are and how we’re doing. This process of grief is like nothing that I’ve ever experienced nor hope any of you ever have to experience. It comes in like a tidal wave and (literally) takes me to the ground at the oddest times. But I don’t write this to alarm you, I just write this from my heart because it is our reality right now.

But I can assure you, that we are going to be ok. It will take a very long time before we start to feel a little bit “normal” again. But I have been enveloped in love & support by my parents, siblings and friends who have wrapped their arms around us. Their concerns have become my concerns, their husbands and my brothers (Gary, John, Jimmy, Dave, Dan and J.Albert) have stepped in to make sure we feel safe & protected, their children have become an incredible source of laughter and fun for Jillian & Nash and I could go on and on about how overwhelming and great their love for us is. They share our pain and having them there to care so deeply for us eases the pain more than they will ever know and we will ever be able to thank them for.

We are moving forward with our plan to move to Dexter. I would love to wake up Christmas morning there.

This is what Jeff was working so hard for us for and these were our dreams for our family. Dexter is a beautiful place to raise a family, and we poured our heart & soul into our beautiful home we bought there last spring. Our last memories of him are there and his heart is there. We’ve been there a few times and I can’t explain how comforting it was. He’s there. Jillian lights right up and I know she feels it too. Nash asks to go to the “dester house” every morning when he wakes up.

So we move forward with that plan as best as we know how and and just tackle the little things every day.  We really don’t have an exact answer of when we can move. Jeff being a teacher was great when he was here but leaves very little for us in his early departure. And as you know, he took nothing from the city. Jeff was the decision maker in our family, so I’m doing my best to make sure we’re all taken care of.

But LOVE is at the center of this all, no matter what. I try to focus on my little ones and giving them enough love for both Jeff & I and try not to worry about the financial stuff. But I have to make sure we’re taken care of in the same breath. It’s exhausting. But when I feel like I’ve hit a roadblock or I need to refocus on something specific … just like that he guides me to it and helps me do what’s best. Just like he always did.

We woke up this morning at Maria’s house, one of my favorite places to be. Surrounded by our friends, giggles, hugs, coffee talk in our jammies and a reminder of how beautiful life is. I am eternally thankful for our family and friends and through them I feel Jeff’s love. That’s the best I can do to explain.

Well, life is calling and Nash wants more bunny snacks and can’t find his favorite McQueen car. Jillian walked uptown with friends and the sun is shining and the air is crisp. This was Jeff’s favorite kind of day.