Writing for me comes from a place deep inside and it ebbs and flows just like everything else in my life. My focus over the past 6 weeks has been settling into our new home and community, and it’s left me at a loss for time to sit, think and let it all come out. I’ve had some great distractions. But then there’s this shift in me. Sometimes it’s a good cry that sparks it, sometimes it’s a bout of joy. Either way, it’s here now. And writing is my number one go to for a little bit of self inflicted therapy.
Somehow, someway … it’s getting a little bit…dare I say it … easier. The grief of love & loss isn’t so thick. I’m learning to let me be a part of my story instead of pushing it away and trying to fight it every single morning before my feet hit the floor. I have a dear friend who’s wife passed away just a few months before Jeff. His words of advice really stuck and I’m so thankful for his friendship. After a really tough day, he messaged me back and said “Mishelle, your former life is still your life. You just had to make a major left turn. Jeff will never go away, he will always be in front of you, Jillian & Nash. It’s tough, but it will make you stronger. Life does that. I don’t think the grief chases you right now. It’s a part of who you are. And by the way, did you get a chance to smile today?”
And most days, I do. I smile. Real smiles. Smiles that are laced with healing, joy and everything in between. I’ve said it before, but this journey of love & loss is my own journey and I own it all for myself. It has changed me in profound ways. It’s made me realize that life – especially mine – is not perfect in any way. And that I am not perfect in any way. And you know whew. That’s kind of relief because I like this new imperfect, and slightly flawed new version of me much better. I am not perfect in any way. And that feels great.
One of the hardest parts of this whole thing is rebuilding my life. Our life. Almost from the ground up. I mean trust me … gutting, building & restoring this old house is a cakewalk in comparison.
I’ve been on a few dates.
There. I said it. Out loud. Yeah, that’s not easy either. But completely necessary to get out of the “waiting room” of grief after losing someone you love suddenly & unexpectedly. Getting out of that place is totally and completely necessary. And yes, I already know that people are going to judge me no matter what. It comes with the territory. And I’m ok with that. “Oh it’s too soon. Oh what is she waiting for?” People think they might know what it’s like to be me, but they have no idea. Not a clue. And that’s ok, too.
I knew in my heart that if I waited too long to dip my foot in the water I would settle into a life where my comfort zone is cuddled up on my bed under a blanket reading books every night. And sure sometimes that all I need, but not every single night for the rest of my life. And that is not me at all. But it’s a scary world out there. My heart is still fragile, I still don’t fully trust life. But I do believe in second chances and I certainly believe in love.
I love that quote so much. It comes full circle and reminds me of when Jeff was tearing down walls and finding new windows, Yes, we actually gained 6 windows in this house when we gutted it. Old, but original windows that had been covered up over the years. He’s call me or send a picture and so excited say “Babe, I found you another window! Look at all that light you have now!” And of course an update on where we are and how we’ve been. One word … great. Settled. Happy. Ok, that was more than one. But I remember sitting in this house a few weeks after Jeff died overwhelmed with the thought of finishing it, packing up our old house, moving, switching schools … and here we are. Whaaaaa? How did that even happen? I was driving 150 miles a day at one point between Taylor in Dexter, usually with one or both kids in tow. I was attempting to coordinate hired work, inspections, and planning out how I was going to turn this house into a home. Yes, it’s all still bait of a blur and I could not have done it without the help of so many. But we did. And here we are.
P.S. This is also going to be one of those posts with not so pretty pictures and weird gaps. But hey, you get the point.
It actually feels like a … home. Yes, there are rooms that still have boxes yet to be unpacked, but most days it’s filled with music and laughter and the smell of yummy things cooking in the kitchen. We are slowly, surely getting closer to a place of “normal” for us. Although it will never early feel normal without him here.
But he still shows up all the time. Lights, songs, his smell and of course the white feathers. They appear out of nowhere. I’m not crazy. Ok, maybe just a little.
One of the main motivators for me to get here when I did was so that Jillian could finish out the school year back in Dexter schools. This was SO IMPORTANT to me. I wanted her to get back & settled in with friends that she’ll see all summer long downtown and some that every walk by our house on the way to their own. So with that, I’m happy to say that she did, and I now officially have a third grader. How is this possible? Her last day of school last Friday was one of the toughest I’ve had in awhile. I cried the entire day. Yes, tears because I’m one proud mom, but more tears and pain and sadness that he wasn’t here to kick off summer with us. I tried to keep her day as normal as possible, and yes I pulled out of the parking lot blasting Alice Cooper’s School’s Out. Like I’ve done every single year since she was in preschool. That’s how we roll. She thinks it’s hilarious. And I get a few cool points in her book as her mom. So it all works out.
The past 6 weeks have been full for us. Full of making new memories, swinging hammers still and a happier, less stressed out mommy. And the amazing women in my life continue to stand by my side every step of the way. They call, they text, they send cards, they show up with cupcakes, wine or to help with the kids. I’d be nowhere without them, without their love and encouragement.
Being out here in Dexter has made my life easier in so many ways. I’m smack in the middle of my client base, surrounded by some of my favorite venues, colleagues and places to shoot. I mean what more could a girl ask for? A few weeks back a bunch of us got together for what we call a “meeting” which really meant hey let’s rent out a killer venue, share some inspiration and piles of wine together on a Wednesday night. I know, right. How great is this industry? I am so damn humbled to call these people some of my closest friends and some of the most talented photographers around. Their hearts are open, willing to share and a whole lotta fun.
Oh, and yes we also ordered a perfect sunset for our group shot. I mean pshhht. We’re photographers. We have magical powers like that.
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