So much loss lately, it seems. Life, fragile in every way. The losses of late have sent me back to my own place of love & loss. I grieve for my cousins when their sweet mother died a few weeks ago. She was an important & beautiful woman in my life as a child. I grieve for her loving & devoted husband Carl with whom he’d written songs about her & the moment he fell in love. He sang that song at her funeral just a few weeks ago, and it nearly broke everyone in the room.
Why must death be so thoughtless? Coming at a time when life seems to be at a peak, when life is so full and there seems to be still so much time left. Then … just like that … gone. Without so much as a warning.
After my cousin’s passing came a beautiful friend who battled breast then incurable bone cancer for a courageous six years, then another sweet friend who fell ill suddenly and passed away a few days later leaving behind her & & 9 year old children. Heartbreaking, to say the least.
I often receive messages from friends & family seeking advice, encouragement or resources on how to help someone who was recently widowed. So I thought this might be a good time to pull together a quick reading list that helped me in beautiful ways when my own husband passed away 15 months ago, leaving me with a 100 year old home that was mid-restoration, and our two young children. To say I was at a loss would be a gross understatement.
I turned to many things in those hours, days and months after his passing … friends, family, church, wine, a cozy blanket, cuddles with our children, books.
Piles & piles of books.
Books about God, books about near death experiences, books on grace, books on reincarnation, books about life after death. I wanted so badly in those early days to be convinced that there really was something beyond when our earthly bodies die. And I found those answers clear as day in the books I read.
I was gifted many piles of books in those early days. Mostly “manuals” on how to grieve and the stages of grief that I “should” go through to find healing. All of those went into my bullshit pile and collected dust. There is no book on Earth that was going to tell me how to handle my grief after Jeff died. Grief is as individual as a fingerprint. I was going to grieve on my own terms.
So here it is. My go to list for anyone that is grieving a loved one who has passed. My hope is that you or someone you know may find a bit of hope within the pages of these books. And that they know that just because their loved one is no longer standing next to them in the kitchen or climbing into bed with their children late at night … that they are … and always will be …
everywhere we are.
My first book that I read after Jeff died. I was stumbling through the library just a few days later with Nash. Feeling numb, and completely lost. I knew I had to dive into a good book to help my mind escape the fear. But instead this book nearly jumped off the shelves and landed in my lap. This book blew my mind wide open. Open to the possibility that our dearly departed is everywhere. At all times. That they are eternity. And that they are not somewhere, but everywhere. And that our concept of death here in the Western World makes us the minority across the globe. Most of the rest of the world believes in the souls ability to transcend many, many lives, not just the one we know today.
In between books, I somehow managed to get myself to church. I wept every Sunday morning along with a roomful of people who wrapped their arms around us. It was amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Healing. Amazing. I came to the realization one Sunday morning that I am loved. That God will never forsake me. That grace abounds in deepest waters, and that Jesus draws close tho those who are broken. And so with that, I dove into the possibility that there is a greater plan for me, for my family. And that even Jeff’s passing is all part of that plan.
Whaaaaa?
Yes, God has a plan for all of us. We may not be privy to exactly what it is, but He cares about every thing that we are. Our burdens are His burdens. Our heartbreak is His heartbreak. We will find strength in Him. Have I mentioned that that’s pretty amazing?
One frigid Sunday after church lead me to a coffee date with a client & fellow widow. Who brought me into her “library for widows” in her home. I was floored to see hundreds of books in her home library. She sifted through each book … “no you’re not ready for this one yet. Oh, here’s a good one. Read this one next, Mishelle. Come see me when you’ve finished these three.” And what she handed me was this.
I was completely mind blown. Not a read for just anyone, but perfect for anyone who has an open mind to all of life’s possibilities.
I went through a period of books all about death & near death experiences. A that point, I was convinced that our soul went somewhere and I was hungry for more. In all honesty, I wanted to know what Jeff felt at the moment that he passed. Was he scared, was it comforting? All of these questions became clear (and comforting) as I turned page for page.
After about 6 months of some pretty intense reading, I turned to some lighter reading. I felt as though I had come out of the darkest part of my grief work (yes, it’s hard work to grieve someone you love) and my heart was ready to start honoring the light in my life again. But with an entirely new perspective. i had been through so much in the past months, my heart was changed. I was left to manage my life with a new sense of strength, a willingness to leave behind the perfections that I though were so important in the life I’d built with Jeff and start working on a fresh new me.
Enter Anne Lamott.
An impeccable writer, smart & funny. I fell in love with her writings quickly and read nearly every book she had written. Here are a few of my favorites.
I realized in those first 12 months that I had the power and the ability to create whatever kind of life I desired. And I’m still discovering exactly what that is. But that’s ok. I’ve somehow managed to find joy in the journey.
My current read. Which brings me full circle and back to a place of momentary grief. But that’s ok, I tell myself. I can visit anytime I’d like … as long as I don’t unpack my bags and move in. But an incredibly poignant & truthful read from one of literature’s most incredible authors, C.S. Lewis. I highly recommend this to anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.
And lastly, the book that gave me the courage to say yes to love again when Joey stepped into our lives. Recommended to me by a friend who had also lost her husband suddenly, tragically. This book was a game changer for me. I’m so incredibly thankful.
(Christina also has an amazing blog & Facebook page offering daily encouragement for anyone willing to make a change in their lives)
I said yes to love & everything that came with it. Yes to adventure, yes to letting down my walls and loving fearlessly…again. I highly recommend this to anyone who doesn’t want to live their last days alone. But instead filled with love & kindness & adventure. Loving again has nothing to do with replacing what’s lost. One person does not “take the place” of another. Loving again is part of our soul’s journey.
And the journey is still beautiful.
Well, that’s it for me. My hope is that this short list of books helps someone who has experienced the same level of heartache that I have, and that through this journey they find the real answers.
That life is still beautiful.
That God has plan for each of us.
That we are loved.
And most importantly, that our souls live on forever … everywhere.
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